Fit Grit & Grace

I rarely remember my dreams or read much into them, but this one just stuck with me. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with having just watched the movie, Arrival. Arrival is about aliens coming to earth to share a new universal language with humans, that if understood, allows them to see into the future. It was weird. But what stuck with me wasn’t future telling languages, but actually the spidery looking aliens. 

I had this dream that for some reason I was keeping this huge bucket of gross gunky junk in my house. I don’t know what it was, I would compare it to a compost pile but much worse. It was just disgusting. It was getting full, and it started to spill out. Then all of a sudden these little spidery things, smaller versions of the aliens on the Arrival movie, came out of the nasty goopey junk, and were hopping around my house. (I hate spiders and when I see them in the house I usually drop dumbells on them.) I should have been trying to kill these spiders, but for some reason I was trying to catch them, scoop up the gunk, and put it all back in the bucket. 

My husband kept saying, just get rid of the bucket and the spiders will go away! But I couldn’t do it. I just kept chasing around these spiders and putting them back in the bucket and cleaning up the mess.

End dream. Thank Goodness.

When I woke up I tried to make sense of this weirdness. And then it all came together.

I’m not a keeper of matieral things. I love organization, clean closets, and getting rid of the excess. Out with the old. However, emotionally I am a junk keeper. 

I feel like through this dream God was showing me something that needs addressed. The junk bucket I’ve been storing in my heart.

My junk bucket is filled with my stored up emotions of guilt, anxiety, hurts, jealousy, and fear. 

And the spiders hopping out of my bucket, are my human emotional reactions. They’re emotions that have been piled on and trapped inside for too long, and as soon as they find a way out they escape, and I have to chase them all over to get them back in check.

And while I think it’s normal for all of us to have buckets of emotional junk and be a little emotional from time to time, it’s important that we ask God to help us dump out our buckets and squash the spiders before they start spilling over into our lives and making a mess.

God doesn’t want us to keep carrying around this junk. It’s of no use to us now, it’s over, it’s done, and it’s taking His place in our hearts. 

Next time I wish he would share this with me using something other than spiders. 

“Money and a good latte protect us from a lot of things.” Jennie Allen

I’ve been reading the book, “Anything” by Jennie Allen. She uses this phrase to describe the tendency we have as humans to fill our homes, our hearts, and our heads with all of this stuff to make us feel normal.

We have this idea that being normal means having the husband, the wife, the car, the house, the job, the babies, and the nod of approval from our friends and family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having these things. These are all gifts from God. The problem lies in expecting these things. The problem lies in using these things to hide hurts, relying on these things to maintain a standard, and to ignore God’s call on our hearts.

God doesn’t call any of us to be normal. He wants us to be growing and pushing through the work he has here for us in this short life, until we are called to eternity with him. He doesn’t want us to keep putting trophies on our shelves, clothes in our closet, and appointments in our calendars if those things are taking his place in our hearts.

But those things feel good don’t they? They feel normal. They give us a feeling of accomplishment, of acceptance, and of purpose. And as humans born to sin, that is what we desire. That is what we crave. We want to do great things, we want people to acknowledge and praise the great things we do, so that we can feel like we are doing what we are purposed to do.

The truth is I’ve been there. The truth is I still go back there. Because I don’t know what in the world I’m doing sometimes. Because being normal is so much easier than being who God is calling me to be.

But being normal is not satisfying for long is it? Money and a good latte are good things for a moment. But the money has to keep being made, and the good latte starts to lose its taste, and suddenly you’re looking for something else to fill your cup.

I don’t want to be normal anymore. I don’t want to expect things. I don’t want to find security in my home, my car, my husband, my bank account. I don’t want to find acceptance in my physical appearance, my clothes, or my job. I don’t want to feel complacent and settled in my life.

So should we sell all of our stuff and say, “Here I am, God! You take it from here!”? Ummm no. That’s probably not the answer for most of us. But here is my answer. Here is my prayer, and I hope that it stirs something in you.

“Here I am, God. You’ve given me this life that I love, and I pray that you help me to love you more than the place where you’ve put me. I pray that anything you ask me to do, that I can do it because you are here with me and for me, and not because of anything that I feel I have done. Let my life be yours. Stir me up and set me out on the path that you have set for me. Wherever you call me, I will go, and I will not cling to these things that can only hold me back from you. I know you are going to do great things, Lord, and I just pray that you will let me be a part of your perfect plan. Amen”

Psalm 37:4-6

“Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this. He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.”

Right now I am sitting in the truck watching the sunset over a cornfield while I wait for my next wagon load of corn to haul to the elevator. This corn that I hated and wanted to get as far away from as I could, is now being dumped into my wagon so that I can carefully drive it to an elevator, that as a young girl I thought I’d never step foot in again. Isn’t life funny? Isn’t God funny in the way that he changes our hearts? Because now as I sit here in the truck, it’s right where I supposed to be.

Hear.

I can hear the bugs chirping and the breeze blowing through the corn, and my heart is softened by these sounds. These sounds I longed to replace with commotion and titles and hierarchy that comes with cubicles and desks and offices and busy city streets. And now these sounds I always tuned out are playing the song of my life.

Smell.

I can smell the dirt being stirred up, and I can smell the grain as they dump my wagon. The sweet earthy smell of harvest, I breathe in and wear on my skin. Smells I never took the time to appreciate have now embedded in me and I crave them with each coming year.

Taste.

I can taste the dust of our farm on my lips as the combine plows on ahead and spits out the stalks. It’s an acquired taste, grit, because it can be cruddy and tough to chew, but now that I’ve tasted it, I savor it, and it fills me up.

Touch.

I touch kernels of corn and let them run through my fingers. These kernels were planted with precision and careful timing. Timing that I never knew was so thought out.  The ground had to be ready to accept the seed and at just the right state to make the corn grow. No, this timing was not always well received. Someone had to sacrifice this time to plan, and now as I touch these kernels and hold them in my hand I can appreciate the early mornings and long nights out in the field.

Sight.

I never saw this kind of work in my future, and am reminded of my cold refusal of this entire way of life. But God saw this life for me and heaped me right into the heart of it. Now the work I denied doesn’t really seem like work at all. Now the work I thought I saw and hated, keeps showing me beauty and grace. And now I see this is who I was meant to be all along.

I’ll wait and see what you’ve willed for me. What plans you’ve designed so carefully.
Plans To fill my heart with joy, and bring glory every morning.
Plans to push me to run faster, in a race you’ve coursed just for me.
You gave me lungs and a voice to sing.
You gave me words for friends to read.
You gave me legs and a path to run.
You gave me hope when I came undone.
I’ll wait and see.

I’ll wait and see because you first chose me. You created me and brought me up so beautifully.
Created in me a desire to serve. To give my whole heart in all I do.
Created in me a drive for life. To be the person you want me to.
You brought me to life, and want to show me more.
You brought me to love, a love I’ve never felt before.
You brought me to death, to die so that I might live.
You brought me to truth, a truth only you can give.
I’ll wait and see.

I’ll wait and see where you’re taking me. There is no place I’d rather be.
If you start a fire I want to burn.
If you have a lesson I want to learn.
Let me be a part of this.
Don’t let me add to or take away one single notion.
Let me wait and see.
Don’t let me move if you are not giving me the motion.

Only here with you, I’ll wait and see.

I want to wait and see.

The places I’m going I cannot see, but you tell me they’re worth any harm this world can place on me.

Just wait and see. I’ll wait and see.

 

The Human Heart.

I don’t want to explain this painting yet because I’m still sorting out all of these feels.  But I know I’m supposed to go ahead and get this out, and that this really doesn’t have to be perfect. So here it is.

This painting started as something else, but when I didn’t like what I saw, I covered it up with a bunch of red paint and soon this crazy ugly heart took shape.

I covered this heart with some ribs, like we all do. And then I left the heart exposed, like we all do. And then I painted a mess around it…..like we all do. Because to be perfectly, terribly, grossly honest, there has been a mess around my heart. A mess of selfishness, a mess of hurt, a mess of jealousy, a mess of happiness, a mess of love, a mess of joy, and a mess of pain. And I covered it up with a bunch of bright and shiny life stuff that hides the things I don’t like, and it gets guarded by my ribs, but it’s still exposed and people can see it if they look close enough. And so this is the Human Heart.

Growing up in the church I’ve heard the phrases “Don’t listen to your heart,” “Our hearts are deceitful, “ and “If you’re following your heart, you’re not desiring God.” Our hearts can play tricks on us, that is definite, and proven in my own life. Our hearts can keep us in a state of self-seeking, self-centeredness, instead of allowing us to be the Christ guided humans we should be . Sometimes following our hearts can hurt God’s plan for our lives, it can hurt others around us because they too are impacted by our heart’s decisions, and it can hurt our own heart’s and lives, leaving us with a mess of exposed arteries and veins that keep bleeding until we find something to tie it all off with.

And then all the while the world is shouting “Follow your heart!” “Your heart never lies!””Listen to your heart!”

So what are we to do, and who are we to trust?

I don’t have a clear answer, which is why I didn’t feel prepared to write this.  But this is what I have learned, and this is my human heart poured out for you.

GIVE YOUR HEART A BREAK.

Can we just not be so hard on our hearts for a minute and take this in? Because here’s the simple truth.  God loves our hearts.  God knows the messes we have made, and he knows the messes we are going to make. And still, He loves our hearts.  He chose our hearts, knowing they would continually fail each other, and fail Him.  So give your heart a break because God already has.

Here is what God has planned for our messy hearts:

1 Thessalonians 3:13  – He wants to establish our hearts blameless in holiness before God our Father

Psalm 10:17 – He wants to hear our cries and strengthen our hearts

Romans 5:5 – He does not want our hope to put us to shame, because His love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.

And all God asks is that we give our hearts a break and LET HIM IN.

So my human heart has looked like a nightmare, a lot like this ugly painting. And maybe yours has too.    But let’s decide right now to love our hearts.  No matter the mess, no matter the hurt, no matter the ugliness.  Let’s love our hearts like God does.  Our hearts are always going to be messy.  But with God in them, they’re going to be free, and He’s going to use them, giving us our desires to bring glory to Him.

Let’s let God  – Psalm 51:10 -Create in us a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feathers.

I don’t know what gave me the notion to paint feathers. I had flowers on the brain because my sister in law who gave me the canvas just showed me a really pretty flower painting. But flowers are hard, and my hand and my brush (my God and His tools) knew better what I needed and the feathers just began to sprout.
So while I’m painting this very first picture, my mind went back to the freedom to feel and think thoughts I hadn’t quite sorted out yet. And the fear I had to start up that path.

A boyfriend once broke up with me with the song Freebird by Lynyrd Skynryd…I can laugh at myself now, and my silly broken heart, but at that time I hated that stupid song.
“If I stay here with you, girl
things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I’m as free as a bird now
and this bird you cannot change.”
I thought back to this song, and I thought again of this boy and the freedom he was asking for. He wanted to be free to start up his own path. He wanted to go places, and had to sacrifice someone he cared for in order to get there. (Were we really this deep as teenagers? NO. Actually this meant he wanted to date other people, and  it wouldn’t be fun anymore if we continued dating. But praise God for maturing our hearts and letting this old memory and song speak to me.)
God spoke to me through a breakup song and a picture of feathers. He said I couldn’t keep the old hurts in my heart. If I wanted the freedom to be “as free as a bird.” I had to feel, deal, and let go. I had to change so I could grow.

And he gave me this verse:
“He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” Psalm 91:4
The freedom I wanted would come only through Jesus. And he would get me there, for freedoms sake! When my heart pours out and the hurt overflows, I am covered by His feathers. Under His wings I am safe to feel. And he is so faithful to guard my brokenness, and help me fight the fight for my freedom.

 

I haven’t been writing a lot lately.  The words just aren’t there.  I’ve been sort of angry about this silent treatment, but then I remember that these words were never mine anyway.  This life isn’t mine anyway.

God’s words to me have been so few, but during this time I have felt His love the most.

Instead of writing I’ve been trying to get back to the heart of who I am.  I’ve been exploring so many new avenues and adventures that have helped me build this strong woman that people on the outside see.  I am so proud of this strong woman.  I love her.  I am blessed to be her.  But she needs some work on the inside.

God may not have been audibly speaking to me, but he was definitely showing me things in my heart that needed some sorting out.  He gave me this quiet time to really look inside myself, to dig into the feelings I’ve let pile up, uncover the truth in hurts I’ve held on to, and to heal wounds I’d been ignoring for a long time.

I started “painting” when I was in high school.  I use that word very loosely because I never touched a paint brush.  I remember watching the movie The Princess Diaries and Anne Hathaway and her mom were splatter painting.  They attached balloons filled with paint to an enormous canvas and then threw darts at the balloons, splattering the paint and letting it run down the canvas.  That spoke to my teenage heart and I was hooked.  I soon took over the family barn to work on my “painting” (no farm animals were harmed or painted during this endeavor; we sold the sheep and cows years before this).

I can remember coming into the house after finishing a picture, and I would be covered in paint, that’s probably why they wore plastic ponchos in the movie.  But I loved it.  I loved the mess of colors piling on top of each other and running together to form this intricate picture that I could just get lost in.

Somewhere along the way I lost this freeness and I stopped painting.

During this quiet time when I had no words to write, I took a trip to Hobby Lobby and on a whim I bought several canvasses and some paint.  I took them home with the intention to let go of whatever was holding me back from getting back to something that made my heart so happy.  I took them home….and then there it all set for a while in my dining room still in the shopping bag.  I didn’t know where to start so I walked by it every day and tried to ignore it.  I didn’t know how to heal or express my feels and hurts in my heart, and so there they sat, packed neatly in my chest; visible to me everyday, but continually ignored.

And then a friend offered me a partially painted canvas.  “You used to paint, can you use this?” God gave me words for this answer, “Yes, I can.”

And then another friend asked to trade me paint and a brush for a beach blanket I was trying to find a home for. God gave me words for this as well, “Yes, let’s trade.”

I knew then that I was supposed to paint something.  I now had all the tools, and a command to paint.  A command to get into my heart.  A command to find that freeness again….with a paintbrush (terrifying).  God had given me all of the tools, but I had to make the choice to use them.

Not long after that God gave me an afternoon of nothing to do.  My Charlie was at Grandma’s, my house was clean, and my possible excuses not to paint were eliminated.

I started with the partially painted canvas I’d been given, turned on some music, and sat down at my kitchen table with the foreign brush in hand.  What happened next was weird….unreal…astounding.  I just started painting.  Like my hand and the brush just knew what they were supposed to do and all I had to do was pick the colors and watch as the picture emerged.

So I just felt feelings, I sang, I painted (with a brush), and I found that freeness again.  This time it wasn’t the same freedom in the mess of colors that I loved to decipher when the picture was finished.  No, this freedom was new and so so good.  I felt the freedom to feel feelings that had been guarded for so long.  I felt, and I painted, and I thought, and I painted, and I felt some more, and I began to heal as a new picture and a new me began to take form.

My first picture with a brush was a picture of feathers.

The next picture was of a human heart.

And the next was the sun setting over a cornfield.

 

And now that I’ve done some feeling and dealing, I have found the words that were there all along.  The words were there that I needed to speak, and feel, but could not find the freeness to do so.  I now have words to describe these paintings and what they have meant to me.

I can’t wait to share them with you.

Life has been really loud lately. Charlie, like her momma, always has a song in her heart, usually sung at the top of her little baby lungs. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star has been mastered, as well as Jingle Bells and Happy Birthday (only grandpa has birthdays so far), and now we are working on The Farmer in the Dell.

I love this loud.

But there are many other noises blaring in my life. The phone is always ringing, the scale is dinging, the baby is crying, the emails are coming in, the paperwork is piling, the friends are texting (or they aren’t), the baby is making me laugh, the planning never ends, the feelings want felt, the miles need to be ran, the laundry is piling (insert… dishes, dusting, vacuuming, cooking, bed making, weeding…here). These noises I can handle. These noises I can manage and organize and multitask.

It’s the noises that are MY OWN thoughts that are the noises I can’t figure out how to turn down.
I’m thinking thoughts of what I think of me. I’m thinking thoughts of what others may think of me. It’s that voice in my head that is so loud, and he lies so well to me.
His lies are so good, and I believe them. And then I hurt, and I get sucked into this mindset that I am not enough. I am not doing enough, living enough, experiencing enough, giving enough, being enough, enough enough enough ENOUGH! I hate that sick circle. I just go round and round, sparring myself. I’m taking punches and throwing punches, but only hurting myself.

So how do I get out? How do I get out of my head and get over myself?
I’ve got to give myself permission to let God take over. One of my favorite authors and speaker, Jen Hatmaker, said

“we need to give our hearts permission to trust God.”

That’s REALLY hard for me, but it REALLY shouldn’t be.

He is our creator, and our good good Father. Why wouldn’t I want him ruling my heart, mind, and life? I cannot control this life because it’s not really mine to live. It was purposed so specifically and beautifully to me, BUT IT’S FOR HIS GLORY, not mine.
So when my ears are ringing with noise, I really should follow my daughters lead and sing the song in my heart to drown out the lies.
I’m apologizing now in advance for the songs I love to sing but don’t always know the words so I just make up my own.
And I’ll leave you with a friendly reminder song to “Think Good Thoughts,” thank you Colbie Caillat.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=It4Bftx6pFY 

I don’t know why, but God really likes to talk to me through workout videos. Maybe that’s when I’m really focused?? Sadly, no. That’s usually when I’m trying not to fall on my face in a yoga pose, or desperately gasping for air after about 50 burpees. But then the trainer on the video says something that just clicks, and then I keep this silly workout video phrase in my heart forever. God just gets me, and I so love that about Him. He knows when I really need to hear something, and he knows when to say it so that I’ll actually retain it. He meets me right where I am, even if it’s in Warrior III.
Recently God used Autumn from the Beachbody Chisel DVD to speak to my 180 bpm beating heart. We were almost to the end of the workout, which is the worst part for me because I want to quit and am fighting off all the voices in my head that say, you’re good, take a break, you don’t need to do the last 5 minutes 😉 You know those voices. Autumn typically tells us to suck it up at this point, but in this particular workout she says,

“Your desire to change has to be greater than your desire to stay the same.”

Makes sense right? If we really want to wear those skinny jeans, then we can’t keep pressing pause and eating cupcakes for dinner. It makes perfect sense, but we still like cupcakes and we still like easy.

This is my struggle – staying the same. Staying in the lines I’ve drawn around me is really nice and safe, and I like it there. But, is that where I’m supposed to be? Is there more that He has for me? The truth is that God is asking me to do hard things right now. He’s pushing me into people, places, and things that scare me, and the deeper I get, the harder He pushes.
But I can’t move forward unless I really, truly want to move forward in my heart. I have to want to change, more than I want to stay safely the same. I have to want to be changed, knowing it’s going to put an end to the comforts I know now.

Which brings me to my all time favorite workout quote,

“Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!”

Jillian Michaels, you spoke truth to me through that Yoga Meltdown workout. Change is not comfortable. Sometimes change hurts, it makes you grow, it shapes your life, and sometimes it brings you to your knees. Which maybe is exactly where you need to be?

Right now, God is asking me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. He’s asking me to tear down my walls, and to let Him lead me. To desire a change in myself that will be never ending and possibly terrifying. A change that will uproot me from my current comfortable seat in life, and set my feet on a path to places unimaginable.

Slowly I’ll start to notice the change, when I’m not quite the person that I was, and not yet the person that I will be. I can’t wait!

I heard an old Tim McGraw song on the radio the other day, and it’s never felt more relatable than now.

“I’m gonna live where the green grass grows

Watch my corn pop up in rows

Every night be tucked in close, to you

Raise our kids where the good Lord’s blessed

Point our rockin’ chairs towards the west

And plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows

Where the green grass grows.”

It’s planting season here, and our farmers are putting in long hours trying to stay ahead of the rain. Growing up with a farmer daddy and grandpa, and a mom who worked at a fertilizer plant, I declared my loathing of the farmer lifestyle, and vowed to get out as soon as I was off to college. But God had another plan.

Fast forward 9 years and just what do you think I do for a living? I farm. I live it, love it, hate it, breathe it, eat it, sleep it, dream it, farm it.   This was not the plan. I wanted a job preferably in a big city. I wanted to wear a suit and heels every day, with a fancy job title, and work my way up some corporate ladder. But God had another plan.

God had another plan, and now here I am. I work at my in-law’s fertilizer plant and my husband and I farm. I am in a weird place. I have truly grown to love this life, but it’s not where I thought I’d be. I find myself feeling a bit lost sometimes, and wishing that I paid more attention to the farm talk growing up. And though I am catching on, there are still times that I don’t feel like I really fit in. Those are the times that I wonder, what if I had a white collar job, would I fit in there?  What am I doing here?  What purpose am I serving?

I got my answer to these questions at a women’s conference this past February. One of the speakers, Eugene Cho, was explaining that we often think the grass will be greener on the other side. We live in a world that encourages us to compare ourselves to others, and to continually strive for the next best thing.  Those were the exact human feelings I was experiencing. So I really tuned in and was eager to hear what Mr. Cho’s solution to this thinking was. Then he said, maybe what the Holy Spirit is really asking us to do is to, “water the grass you’re standing on.”

“Water the grass you’re standing on.” This sounds like an easy enough answer, but it is not. Watering our own grass is work. It’s roll up your sleeves, you’re going to get dirty, work. This means we have to embrace where we are right now, stop listening to ourselves, and start letting God’s word flood our hearts, our minds, and our souls, so it can sink into the grass we are standing on. God’s word is the water and our life is the grass. We cannot grow without Him.

I’m gonna live where the green grass grows

Embrace where He’s placed me, for my future He knows.

Every word He speaks is faithful, and it’s true.

I’ll raise my kids where the good Lord blessed

With hearts that love Jesus, and no worries for the rest.

There you’ll find Jesus,

Where the green grass grows.