Fit Grit & Grace

“Have you ever had a breakdown?” I was asked this question recently, and when I quickly answered, “Umm yeah, which time?” I was met with, “You just seem to have it all together.” Let’s all laugh together.

have it all together. verb phrase. To have one’s life, feelings, energies, etc, satisfactorily arranged; be free of emotional and behavioral dysfunctions

“To have one’s feelings satisfactorily arranged; be free of emotional and behavioral dysfunctions.”  STOP IT! Like all my feelings are packed just so in their

Color-Coded Corresponding Compartments.

Now, rage and anger, you stay in this corner. Fear, you get in there beside them. And happiness, you just stay right out here where everyone can see you.

Lord, bless my dear friend. Don’t bless her for trying to compliment me by the standards of the world. Bless her for showing me that

I AM NOT REAL.

People are seeing my happy smiling face, my cute red jumpsuit, and my running miles coming in higher and higher.  They are seeing the things that help me hold it all together, but they don’t see the things that I struggle with, the fears that keep me up at night, and the things that hurt my heart.

I do not have it all together. Actually, it’s all falling apart, landing every which way and I’ve been here hurriedly scooping pieces up before I forget where they all go.  But I’ve decided that I’m done trying to put those pieces back just like they were. If people can’t see me breaking then how will they know it’s ok to be broken?

Because it is ok to be broken. God takes the broken down things and if we will believe, “in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17

We break and that’s what makes us grow.  Finding beauty in the breaking should be where we are most comfortable.  Let’s cuddle up to our insecurities, and stop being afraid to fall on our knees. Let us try embracing new places, running new races, and lifting up new faces in Jesus’ name instead of our own.

We cannot keep it all together because life is not meant to be lived contained by our standards.

All together is altogether ridiculous. So let’s stop making that our goal.

“The moon and stars they wept

The morning sun was dead

The Savior of the world was fallen

His body on the cross

His blood poured out for us

The weight of every curse upon Him

One final breathe He gave

As heaven looked away

The Son of God was laid in darkness

A battle in the grave

The war on death was waged

The power of hell forever broken”

Forever we sing hallelujah.

Good Friday.

It’s hard for me to understand what Jesus did. He died for every sin. He died for every person. So that we may be apart of something bigger, something new and beautiful.

Sometimes we don’t feel understood. But we still must press on up the hill as Jesus did. Because there’s something better for us. A life bought and paid in blood, designed specifically for each one of us. How marvelous! How wonderful!

People won’t understand. They don’t have to. Look what people did to Jesus, and what he still did for us.

I wonder today what Jesus must have been feeling on this Wednesday.  He knew full well that betrayal was to come.  He was preparing to share his final meal with his disciples with its meaning soon to be lived out.  He was preparing his body for the pain and the suffering of his father’s will that he’d known was coming all along.

But today is only Wednesday and he hasn’t quite reached the turning of the page.

Is he afraid? Is he ready? Is he dreading the days designed to break him? Is he ready for the accusations to whip across his back tearing his flesh? Is he ready to bear the cross and trudge up a hill? Is he ready to hang from nails and die in front of mockers so many? Is he ready to be sacrificed? Is he ready to die for us? Is he ready to die for me? I think Jesus was ready for a Silent Wednesday to prepare him for his purpose.

I’ve never done a fast from eating for 24 hours before. Not for my faith’s sake, not for my health, not for anything. But I’ve been part of a nutrition group for the past few weeks that asks us to fast for one day this week and I chose today. No food, no junk, just to drink up.

I chose today knowing work will keep me busy, but also truly eager to see what things in my life are filling me up. When food is off the table, what am I reaching for and putting on my plate? And am I getting full? Am I still hungry? Are the items on my plate good for me, or are they poisoning my insides?

I want to examine myself today. Just me, my heart, my wants, my needs, my faith, my fears, my pain, my struggles, and my consumption of the living water. I want a Silent Wednesday to remind me of my purpose.

Jesus knew his purpose in this life was to make disciples to tell of the deep deep love of God for us, and then to die so that we all might have hope and freedom from sin through his blood. All to obey his father’s plan. It was all for us!

But what is my purpose? Isn’t it the same? Isn’t it to show people the love of God? Isn’t it to sacrifice myself so that people may know Jesus through me? Isn’t it to give people freedom through the blood that flowed from his side? Isn’t it to give people hope through his resurrection and promise to come again?

My purpose is not to eat the things that don’t fill me with love. My purpose is to throw out the things going to waste in my life.

So today I take my Silent Wednesday to prepare for my days to come. No, I’m not going to be beaten and hung on a cross to die on a hill. I don’t have the weight of the sins of the world on my shoulders. But I do have a purpose. I do have a choice to make. Will I choose comfort in the days I’ve been living? Or will I choose the fight for the days he’s prepared for me? I’m choosing to take a Silent Wednesday.

Waking up at 2am. The baby cries and I’m awake at 2am. He doesn’t need anything just to know I’m there. I give him a pat and tuck him back in. Back to sleep he goes and then I’m up at 2am.

At 2am my mind is always awake. It wants to go through lists, count wrongs and rights, and be busy when my body could really just use a break.

So I lay back in bed and pull the notes up on my phone. I type out the words, and the fears, and the triumphs running through my head. They pour out so easily at 2am, and sometimes it’s 4 or 5 before I can go back to bed. But that’s ok. 2am has become My time, My quiet, My peace, and the lifter of my head.

At 2am I search my heart as I write myself back to sleep. Dig a little deeper to my core. It hurts, but it heals when I go where the blood and the cross have already covered me.

Sometimes I don’t want to go everywhere my mind decides to travel. Back to people and places that my mind hasn’t visited in awhile. But at 2am things don’t seem to hurt as much and the words start to unravel.

I think we all carry with us hurts that seem to grip us. We think we’ll never get out, that we’re trapped, and that sinful human life has tried to trick us.

But I’ve found at 2am, the picture is a little clearer. We trick ourselves into believing we can fix ourselves, as the sin-sick world keeps pushing us to the mirror.

My truth comes out at 2am, that I can’t do life with just my own two hands. I need hope and faith in something bigger if I want to be apart of his grace-filled plans.

At 2am I really just need God. I don’t need anything else. His grace has pardoned all sins, not just mine but also the sins of others that I keep high upon a shelf.

If God can say your sins are covered then covered they shall be. I’ll find the strength to forgive you, and then I’ll be set free.

But freedom is a minute by minute choice. I’ll have to choose each second. So 2am will wake me each night until freedom in my heart has been reckoned.

Every day you grow a little more.

Every day you’re a little older than before.

Your legs grew strong so you could walk, and your lips formed words as you began to talk.

Your hands learned to busy themselves.

You need me less and climb on a stool now to reach the shelves.

You still want to be carried and that’s fine with me.

We go up the stairs to bed and I don’t remember when you got so heavy.

Your little eyes watch me close.

You sing my songs, walk like me, talk like me, and I now see me in you the most.

You teach me how to slow down.

To sit still and breathe you in.

To hold you close when you let me because you’ll never be this little again.

You teach me how to wait for things.

To count each moment as a blessing.

You show me the goodness the waiting brings.

That our stories are written in the guessing.

My darling girl, how I love to watch you grow.

Your little heart shows mercy and you’re stronger than you know.

You bring joy to everyone you meet.

With happy songs, hugs and kisses, and a smile that’s so kind.

I’ll miss putting shoes on your little feet.

And picking which princess story to tell you because you can’t make up your mind.

I wish I could keep you small forever.

I just don’t want you to grow.

I’ll always love being together.

These things little girl, I just wanted you to know.

My mom raised me to love the 80’s, especially Molly Ringwald. Sixteen Candles is my all time favorite Molly movie , but The Breakfast Club also holds a special place in my heart. I hope you’ve seen The Breakfast Club, if you haven’t I’ll still try to speak truth to you…but watch the movie.

So the movie starts out with a disparate group of high school students. The princess, the athlete, the outcast, the brain, and the rebel are all confined to their school library serving a Saturday detention. They each have a chance to share their own personal stories of the pressure in their lives, and come to find that they are not really as different as they once thought. They all face the same pressures to be accepted by their parents, their friends, and themselves. They wonder then at the end of the movie if school will ever really be the same because of their new found freedom. They now have the freedom to open up to themselves and others, and share the struggles they are going through.

This made me think of my adult life now, and the new level of pressures I face. Wife life, Motherhood, adulting, work life, social life. All of these things bring pressure when we let them. I think sometimes as an adult we are prisoners to our loneliness as we go through these pressures. We think others have it all together, that they don’t understand, and that we must try our darnedest to not let them see us failing.

I think this because I’m guilty of it. I’m guilty of the pressure of comparison, the pressure of maintaining my worth, the pressure of staying in control. It’s really exhausting. But what’s even more frustrating is that I know there is a freedom from all of this, and I don’t pursue it near hard enough. And if I don’t pursue it, knowing how freeing it can be, who is going to hand it out to others? How can others be free if no one else is strong enough to lead them to freedom?

“But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them?”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

We have to be more intentional and authentic with the people in our lives. We have to put down our phones, put down our fronts, get off our stages, and meet people right where they are. We need our own breakfast clubs. Lock us all up somewhere to tell truths, so that we too can be free from the labels we’ve put on ourselves.

Truth says that we are already free if we want to be. Our freedom was bought and paid for a long time ago by a God who’s just waiting for us to accept it. That’s the truth we need to be speaking to each other in our breakfast clubs, over coffee, at dinner tables, and on living room floors.

What would happen to our relationships if we took more time to share God’s freedom? What would happen to our workplaces, our schools, our communities, ourselves? What would happen if we all began living the free life?

One of my favorite Christian songs right now is Death was Arrested by North Point InsideOut. The last two verses say this:

“Released from my chains I’m a prisoner no more

My shame was a ransom He faithfully bore

He cancelled my debt and He called me His friend

When death was arrested and my life began

Oh, Your grace so free

Washes over me

You have made me new

Now life begins with You

It’s your endless love

Pouring down on us

You have made us new

Now life begins with You

Our savior displayed on a criminal’s cross

Darkness rejoiced as though heaven had lost

But then Jesus arose with our freedom in hand

That’s when death was arrested and my life began”

“But then Jesus arose with our Freedom in hand,” I know it’s silly but when I hear this line, I always picture Jesus with his fist in the air just like Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club. John Bender was finally free from being just the rebel. He no longer had to bear the pressures of his life alone.

We can rise up from the pressures in this life with our freedom in hand just as victoriously. We can walk straight into a brand new life. The kids from The Breakfast Club may not have been raising their fists for the freedom in Christ, but they taught me that I need to do a much better job of accepting and sharing the truth.

I’ve just really needed a word. To read a word to hear a word, to see a word from God. I just wanted it and needed it. But it didn’t come. I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t write it, or feel it. I would read the most beautiful writings from people who did have a word, yet I’d be left feeling empty. I was feeling empty because I was empty. You see I was trying to fill up my cup, but I kept dumping it out because it didn’t fill up with what I thought it should. Those words just didn’t taste sweet and they were getting hard to swallow, surely they’re not for me. I’d rather spit them out than drink them in. I was refusing to choke down a word I didn’t want to feel.

God was giving me a word. He was giving me a lot of words. Just not words I thought I needed. I guess I was expecting that my words from God should all be audible and sweet. He’s a good good father right? (He really is)

I remember a friend growing up whose mom always gave her medicine mixed in her applesauce so that it would go down sweet. So she wouldn’t have to swallow that bitter pill. I guess I thought a word from God would be that way too. That a word from God would just be an immediate calm hand placed on my shoulder. A salve on my wounds. A stirring song in my heart. (A word from God is all of these things)

But now I see that God wants us to feel that clear difference between the bitter and the sweet so that we can appreciate his goodness even when life tastes awful. Sometimes we just need to swallow a bitter pill to get our attention that something needs to change. That maybe we are too much us and not enough him. Maybe he’s asking us to make a correction. Maybe he was asking me to make a correction when I didn’t think anything was wrong.

1 My children, listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment, 2 for I am giving you good guidance. Don’t turn away from my instructions. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭4‬:‭1-2‬ NLT)

God was giving me so many words, but it was me who was not applying them, yet still expecting to feel a change in my life. The words were all good, but I placed them on other people instead of myself. “That’s a good word for her. That’s a good word for him. That’s a good word for them. That’s a good word for anyone but me.”

So I’d write down the words and in my notebook, they would stay. They’d sit there until I could share them with the person that I thought needed them. Meanwhile, I just kept thirsting for my word. Where is it, God? I’m right here waiting and asking and begging just to hear from you.

So today I opened my notebook and read the words I’d scribbled two months ago.

“It can be easy to get so focused on the darkness around us that we never address the darkness in us.”

This was my word.

This was my word and I didn’t want it to be. Who wants to address darkness in their own life? I don’t. I really really don’t. And that’s why this is my word. And that’s why I need to. God saw my desire to help others in their darkness, but he also saw me shoving mine deeper and deeper down in my heart. He saw the stress, anxiety, worry, doubt, anger, fear, and ugliness closing in on me. He saw it all, gave me a word, and told me to obey.

What is darkness? Anything keeping me from the light right? Darkness doesn’t have to be ugly, and usually, it isn’t. That’s why it’s so easy to hide. But darkness builds and burdens and eventually snuffs out our lights and consumes our lives.

God saw my darkness and wanted me to recognize that life is so much sweeter when lived in the light. In his light.

“For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life.” Proverbs‬ ‭6:23‬ ‭

Now he’s asking me to obey and it’s really really hard because it’s so much easier to clutch my lists and my control over my life to my chest and do everything myself. Because that’s what I know, and that’s been my security for so long. Nothing bad can happen to me if I’m in control. But it’s not working anymore and the darkness is creeping back up and trying to get out.

God says it won’t be easy. So far I’ve learned his commands on our lives never are. In fact, I think the more you say Yes to God, the more he asks of you. So now it’s my word. My word from God is loud and clear and the choice is mine to take it or hand it over to someone it’s not meant for.

“Open the eyes of my heart, Lord.

Open the eyes of my heart

I want to see you

I want to see you

To see you high and lifted up

Shining in the light of your glory

Pour out your power and love as we cry holy, holy, holy.”

My Charlie Girl has picked up this song at church and loves to sing it. I thought it was absolutely adorable at first! Aww she’s learning worship songs, bless her little heart! But as she would keep singing this song over and over and over and over again because that’s just how 2.5 year old kids sing songs, and I would join in with her….I finally felt it. I felt that God was working in me through this little voice. God wanted me to repeat these words as many times as I needed to until I actually meant them.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you.

I did want to see him in my life and all around me, but my eyes were shut tight. I was refusing to see his joy in all situations even though I knew it had been there the whole time. It was easier for me to know God was there, but to keep the joy at arms length because, it felt better there.

I was reading a book while we were on vacation about two brothers preparing to go on a trip of a lifetime. The brother that had come up with the idea in the first place soon got cold feet and began to dread the days leading up to the trip. He worried about getting work finished, missing time with his family, and taking on such an unknown challenge. Finally his brother said to him, ” You’re cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what’s coming.”

This was me! But I wasn’t only cheating myself, I was cheating God. This joyful life he had given me was being worried away.

“Be anxious for nothing” Philippians 4:6 is written on my husband’s whiteboard in his office at work. I see it everyday and he continuously has to remind me to do just that.

“6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Wednesday night at church we discussed having a Christlike mind. Well my mind has already been made up these past few weeks and it’s just been a big mess of emotions. I haven’t bothered giving all of my requests to God and have been guarding my heart and mind all by myself.

And it hasn’t been working.

It’s really astonishing how God weaves little life things together for us into the bigger picture he wants us to see.

God wanted me to get this!

He gave me a phrase from a book I was reading for fun. He gave me a verse on a board and a husband who lives it. He gave me a daughter that sings a song over and over again. And he gave me a church that challenges me to grow and search my heart.

If we want to see God, to really see him. If we want to see God high and lifted up, shining in the light of his glory, then we just need to stop worrying like he doesn’t already have our life handled, and ask him to open the eyes of our hearts.

And once our eyes and hearts and minds are fully open to God, that’s where we find the joy. His love and power are poured out into our lives, and poured into the people around us.

Hi I’m Brooke and I have control issues.  I like to have control of things…actually all the things.  It’s good and it’s bad, and I’m working on it.  I was asked to sing a special at church this past weekend so I was trying to find a song that I hadn’t done before.  The song Oceans, by Hillsong is what I decided to sing.  I’ve loved this song from the first time I heard Kari Jobe perform it at a concert about 4 years ago, but never had the courage to sing it in public because it makes me feel…uncomfortable. The chorus of the song is who I so deeply long to be, but darnit, I just won’t give myself permission.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior”

I want trust without borders.  I want to just pick up and go wherever he calls me.  I want to do things I never imagined for myself.  I’m not comfortable with being comfortable anymore. But I can’t give up my control.

What is my problem?  Do I really think that I can do it better?  Did I forget that he is the creator of the heavens and the earth.  The creator of coffee,  yoga pants,  Hobby Lobby, and all things good.  Did I forget that he died for me, for everyone? Did I forget that he has walked on water and is just asking us to come with him?

I did forget.  I forgot because I’m human, and trusting a God that I can’t bring down to meet me eye to eye is hard.  Trusting a God that I can’t fit inside the walls I’ve built around me is hard. But if it was easy, everyone would be doing it right?

You see, I’ve learned that the more trust you hand over to God, the harder his requests become.  He wants to take us deeper.  He wants to push us to lengths we could never reach on our own so that we trust him more. But we are living in a quick fix, less work, fast results world.  We don’t always want to to wait on God’s timing or put in the extra effort.

 So let’s think about the places we go under our own control.  They aren’t always lasting are they? They sometimes leave us wanting more, don’t they? 

That’s the difference between hanging on to our controls, and handing them over to God.  If we keep the control we still may do great things, but there will always be someone doing something even greater and we have to start over again. But thankfully, God is standing out on the water with his hands stretched out to each one of us, waiting for us to walk with him. 

It won’t be easy. We will fall when we take our eyes off him. But when we give up that control, and all we see is Jesus, we will touch hearts. We will heal hurts. We will start fires in the souls of our friends and our enemies, and we will be walking on water. 

A sweet friend messaged me on Facebook not too long ago to tell me she was reading a book that reminded her of me. She’d been reading my blog and sending me encouraging notes on my posts, and decided she wanted to gift me this book. This book couldn’t have come into my life at a better time.  

The book is called “Grace Not Perfection.” I love that this author, Emily Ley, and I think a lot alike. We want loved children, encouraged husbands, empowering friendships, and successful careers. But we also crave and demand order, organization, and dare I say it….perfection. Perfect manners, perfect marriages, perfect houses, perfect friends, and perfect little plaques that say “Great Job” from our perfect places of work. 

Before reading this book I had learned that I cannot be perfect, only exhausted from trying. I’d already learned I have to give myself grace when I don’t get the dishes and the laundry done, when my toddler is still not potty trained, when I have to cancel plans with friends, when I have to leave an activity I love, and when I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything at work. I finally had realized that giving myself grace opens up my heart to see the joy in the imperfections of my life. So I nodded along with Emily Ley’s advice to exhausted women trying to uphold the standards of the world. Their shoulders breaking under the weight of today’s demands, and the sleepless nights as their minds already try to check off tomorrow’s to-do list. Put the laundry basket down, examine your schedule, cut out the busy, find the routine that works for where you are in life, and most importantly give yourself grace. Give yourself grace and put off the house work until tomorrow, chase your kids around the house, go on a date with your husband, meet a girlfriend for coffee, read a book that feeds your soul, get off of Pinterest, get off of Instagram, get off of Facebook, and find the grace in who you are because you’re going to exhaust yourself looking for grace in who the world tells you to be. 

Praise Jesus I’ve been in all those dark corners and was ready to help encourage other women to step into the light with me. Then I thought, should I read on? I’ve been there, I’ve learned this stuff, maybe I should just pass on this book to someone who might need it right now. I’m glad I kept reading.

I started part 2 of Emily Ley’s book. Part 2 was about giving others grace, and I’m not so good at that. 

Example:

The very week I was reading this book, I went to pick up lunch for the guys at work. One of the guys had called the order in while I was working at our other business, and I was to pick it up on my way back. I gave the lady at the counter my name and she snapped at me that “it had just been called in and they hadn’t even started it, you’ll just have to wait.” Smiles were not free that day, and I had the furthest thing from grace for this lady. I got back in my car, called my husband, and told him what happened. “Wasn’t that rude?” I said. And he answered so perfectly. He told me to tell her that I hope her day gets better. Maybe a previous customer yelled at her when their order wasn’t ready on arrival, maybe her mom was sick, maybe her son got in a fight at school, maybe her husband lost his job, maybe she was just having a bad day. So what she needed at that moment was just some grace. 

Giving grace is hard sometimes. I should have been quick to offer grace in that moment, but I wasn’t. It’s even harder to give grace to those we love; those we place at higher standards. We don’t like to offer up grace when someone hurts us, fails us, or snaps at us. We want to shut them out, fight back, and put them down. I’m guilty of setting such high standards for myself, that when other people can’t accomplish a task I’ve set for them, I get upset. There’s no grace in that. I’m guilty of over thinking everything I say, and end up being hurt when someone says something to me before thinking about how I could take it. Didn’t they know that would hurt my feelings? There’s no grace in that. Only self. Only me.

See, grace is Jesus. We have got to get over ourselves, and just give people Jesus. Isn’t that what He did for us? Died for us on a cross, placing grace over our sins, before we were even imagined. 

I’m reminded of the story of Jonah. God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh to tell the people about Jesus. Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh. Their sins were too heavy. They didn’t deserve grace. Silly Jonah. It took a big storm and a big fish to finally get Jonah to Nineveh. Once in Nineveh, Jonah preached God’s word, the people believed and were forgiven of their sins. Bu Jonah still did not have grace for these people. He was still angry with them. God then taught Jonah a lesson. Jonah went out of the city basically to pout and stew and wish evil on the people of Nineveh. As he was sitting outside of the city, God sent a gourd to grow to shade Jonah’s head and give him joy. But then God sent a worm to kill the gourd, and Jonah mourned its death. God then spoke to Jonah. “Why were you mourning the death of something you did not bring to life? You did not help it to grow.” God showed Jonah that we are not authorized to decide who deserves grace and who doesn’t. God showed Jonah that grace is a gift from God that we are called to give to others because it was already given to us. 

So if giving grace to others is hard for you, remember the grace that’s been given to you. Grace is not yours to withhold from others, but is only meant to be given, whether you think it’s deserved or not.