I just wanted to be angry today. I barely slept last night, tossing and turning as I thought and I fought with my heart and my mind over things I simply can’t control. I hit snooze on my alarm skipping my workout in exchange for a few more minutes of restless sleep. I knew I’d beat myself up later for skipping another workout, knowing full well I wouldn’t have the energy after we got home from the field tonight to make it up. But I finally woke up to the chaos of the morning running out of time to dry my hair, packing Charlie’s lunch for the field, wrestling sleepy babies to get dressed when all they really wanted to do was stay in their jammies and watch cartoons, and then making my trips to the car with lunch boxes, backpack, diaper bag, and finally kids only to realize it was trash day and the garbage still needed to be taken out. I grabbed the garbage bags as one ripped open and mice scurried out scaring the bejeezus out of me and spilling icky nasty trash all over the garage steps.
I was angry.
I was angry because I just wanted to be angry.
But God changed my heart.
He said, “Girl, aren’t you glad it was only you and I that saw you scream and jump as those mice ran out? That was funny. Smile. Farmers don’t care that your hair is still wet, you’re pretty just the same, wet hair and with no workout. Don’t worry that your kids hate getting dressed, just do what you can, soon they’ll be dressing themselves and you’ll miss these little fights. You are a strong momma. I know because I made you that way. And one more thing girl, don’t be angry. I know every one of your needs, and you don’t need to be angry.”
God changed my heart.
I didn’t need to be angry, I just needed him. I’d let my eyes focus on the waves crashing around me instead of walking with the only one that could calm them. But you know what, God was with me the whole time. He was just waiting for me to stop being angry and to start letting him work in me.