Have you ever just felt different than who you’ve always been, and sort of far from who you thought you’d always be? That’s where I am right now. I don’t feel like Brooke anymore, which isn’t bad and isn’t unwelcome, I just feel different now, so you might not like the changed heart you see.
See I’ve always thought that if you pray a certain way and live mostly good then you’re doing okay. But is “okay” where we meet God? Are the “Alright’s” and the “Just Fine’s” the places where God whispers in our ears and places hands on our shoulders? Are we being molded if we’re “doin good”? I don’t think so.
I’m not saying we all need to stay in our messes because that’s the only way to hear God. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m telling you that the mess is okay. I’m telling you that feeling different is okay. I’m telling you that where you are is okay, and that where you are now is not where you have to stay.
I’m telling you that you will always have just one choice. Just one choice in all circumstances. Trust God, or don’t. Trust that God will move you to the place that’s best for you or when he says move, say No, I won’t.
See, what I’m finding out right now, which is uncomfortable because I’m human, is that this life is not about me. Not one minute, not one second, not my kids, not my marriage, not my job, not my friends, not my church, not my name, not any of it is about me.
It’s unsettling, isn’t it? In a world that tells us to speak our minds and be whoever we want to be, here I am telling you to let someone that we can’t even see say who we are. That all of our money, our hopes and dreams, and all of our strength will only carry us so far. But what if I told you that our names are all Beloved and we are all the same? Our debts were paid upon a cross with his perfection, our sins covered by his blood and pain.
Someone gave their life for mine, and now He gets the say. I can force my plans and go nowhere or let Love show me His way. So maybe that’s why I feel different. Maybe I’ve only been living for Brooke, and for the people in my life that I could touch and see. Maybe he’s handing me my one choice right now. Trust myself, or give my life to the one who died for me.